My heart is heavy

rose

 

 

I am writing this post on Thursday because my weekend will, God willing, be very busy.

To be honest with you, I had scheduled in advance, for Friday, two articles. One on homemaking, and I thought of posting a recipe of those falafels I did for dinner tonight. But I decided to write something else instead because tonight, my heart is heavy. Sure, I enjoy all these things about homemaking and recipes and fashion and whatnot, but a few things happened this week that made me think, and made me sober:

I am working in a hospital, and my whole semester is about cancer. And everyday, I get to see patients who know, and I know it as well, that they only have a few months or weeks to live, and for some, they could die anytime. I will spare you the details but, though in medicine and pharmacy we have to take a kind of “distance” as to not be overwhelmed by emotion, in order to truly focus on our job… It is hard. We often have that illusion of immortality, we are so alive, and when you learn that soon, it will be the end, everything shatters in your head. You either deny it or face it, but my poor patients, do they have hope ? Do they know the Savior, and do they have hope ?

What made me ashamed about myself is that lately, it seems that I have made myself the center of my own little world and some aspects, was guilty of self-idolatry… And it was the words of an unbelieving friend at university that gave me a slap: “What I am seeing in the hospital, these days… It makes me think about life…What happened in Belgium… makes me sad…”.

I am truly guilty, sometimes, of wanting to lead a peaceful life free from pain and free from life’s reality -sure, I don’t want to live in a huge mansion in Miami and dress in Dolce and Gabbana, but even as I dream of a humble life, I find myself making the comfort of my home an idol, homemaking and my little routines idols, but till now I did not want to put a name on these things.

So tonight, as I am writing those words, I want to humble myself before our God and wake up. This life is not eternal, we are mortals, and at any time, we could die. As someone said, then, “Only one life twill soon be past, only what’s done for Christ will last“.

Oh, to not seek to achieve spiritual disciplines for the sake of being called “spiritual women, godly women”, just for entitlement ! Oh, I am so ashamed that often I am knowledgeable about many things when it comes to the spiritual realm, or the Christian “culture” but when it comes to the work of Christ, how little do I know ! How few my thoughts are when it comes to what He has done !

Maybe it’s about time, to start getting serious about these things. I am not talking about doing more as a quantity but maybe, at least for me, it’s time to start evaluating some things in my life, and some of my priorities.

As I come back from school, I often cross a glamorous place in the Centre-Ville.

 

home

The said street.

There, you find all those French shops selling high-end clothes. All those lovely French cafés. Those restaurants that make us all proud of our culture Francaise. Yet it breaks my heart to find that in the midst of all this architectural beauty, there are TONS of beggars in that street. And it kills me to see that we have made food an idol, especially here in France, and do not care for our poors the way the early Christians did: they fed everyone, believers and unbelievers alike, with such love that even the last pagan emperor of the Roman Empire, though he hated them, could not but admit they were full of good deeds. As Leonard Ravenhill said, the early Christians did not have all those huge churches and technologies and ministries and all those things yet they turned the world upside down. We have so much, and at least in my case, I do so little.

Truly, as somebody else said, prosperity does more harm to the Church than adversity does. You see that in the Proverbs, I think:

“give me neither poverty nor riches,

but give me only my daily bread.

Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you

and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’

Or I may become poor and steal,

and so dishonor the name of my God.” (Proverbs 30:8-9) 

I clearly remember that when I went through hard things in my life, it is there that I cried for God. That when I lost everything and everyone, when my little crystal castle shattered, God was my only refuge. But how careful are we to be when we have a lot… The cares of this age (Mark 4:19) are like ropes around our necks. You just finished eating, and before you are done with the last bite, you are scrolling down endless pages on Instagram looking for more food, instead of giving thanks. Instead of being like John the Baptist, who was happy that he could decrease so Christ would increase, we constantly worry about what people are thinking about us, as if we were the center of the world ! What a culture of narcissim we live in !

And I wonder, is all what I am doing just wishful thinking and pretty thoughts put together just so I would publish another post on my blog ? We talk SO MUCH these days and do SO little !

So this is it. I would love to apologize for this post with randoms thoughts here and there, but my intention was not to make a Pinterest-worthy post here. I wanted to express my thoughts: maybe it’s time, to take life seriously, to realize that there is pain in the world, maybe it’s time to go down on our knees and to pray, for real, and not out of boring duty, maybe it’s time, to wake up, and follow the Savior, and pray that others would come to know Him as well.

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2 thoughts on “My heart is heavy

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