This year, I discovered something about myself: I am impatient.
I thought I was not. But, as a brother preached the other Sunday, it’s not until you are tested that you know what you are really made of. If you always get what you want when you need it, well, you can’t really say you are patient- there was nothing to wait for, as soon as your belly started grumbling you took the phone and five minutes later, the pizza delivery guy was at the door !
Impatient when it comes to more things than I thought, I must add ! When it comes to school, to my future career, to my expectations… to so many things. And though my parents taught me to be polite, to say thank you, and to be grateful, I found that I often act accordingly with people… but not God. I pray about something, and when I get the said something, I forgot that the Lord graciously answered my prayer and complain about the very thing He just gave me.
And I am talking about that prayer I have said many times: “Thy Will be Done”. His will is perfect after all, is it not ? Why do I, so often, struggle with leaving God be God, and quietly wait upon Him. I’m just a tiny human, and, as Jesus said, ” who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?“. Worrying won’t help.
It will just keep me from doing God’s will.
It will make me waste my precious time.
And I am thinking about that in connection to Valentine’s day because I sat with one friend the other day and she was all sad as she was getting ready to spend another Valentine’s day as a single young woman…
So often, when we see people having things we don’t have, we start to wallow in self-pity; and I am no exception, though God is working on that issue. What I fail to realize is that though I deserve the wrath of God, He loved me unconditionally. He Loves me. His Eternal Son is a delightful Being of Happiness and never needed anything and yet choosed to come down to suffer for our sake, so we would be happy forever with Him. That’s unconditional love, and it is so beautiful that sometimes it’s hard to believe since we have no record of someone, out of Jesus, who came to die for his ennemies.
Oh, the beauty of unconditional love. The beauty of a woman praying for those who hate her, make fun of her. The beauty of a man who will feed those who cannot give him anything in return.
And the thing is that often I forget that though we aren’t necessarily going to have “our best life now” here on earth, there will be a happy ending.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such” (Ephesians 5:25-27) Some many poems have been written, so many songs have been sung, so many books have been written in the name of love, and I can’t help but wonder, if there is such a frenzy and an excitement around human love, which is only but a pale picture of what it actually points to, the Love of Christ for His Church, I can’t begin to imagine the ecstasy of Heaven. I pray that God will grant me the necessary patience to eagerly wait for that day.
Whatever He wills, I choose now to gracefully receive, and I want to make God’s desires my desires. What it takes to become what He wants, i.e, conformed to the image of Christ, will not be easy, and He will have to refine me over and over. The way is hard, and not being in control is not something I am particularly fond of, but it’s the only way. God’s way is the only way and I want, even when my spirits are low, to gladly follow Him. My life is not my own.
Something I have struggled with this year, since my brother went to another town for his studies, is loneliness, and some circumstances which I would have changed, if it were in my power to do so. But deep inside, I know the disastrous consequences of being the own captain, the own god of your life.
Now, though it’s hard, I can begin to see the fruits of this solitude in which I was confined. It helped me become sympathetic with those who suffer. It made me more intentional about being there for others. It made me see that to people who don’t have the hope that is found in Christ, we will probably be the only portion of the Bible they will ever read, and that therefore, my time of loneliness had to be used wisely. By modeling Christ’s love through our actions and our care for them.
It could be a card with heartfelt words written on it.
It could be a shoulder to cry on for those who need it.
It could be a tray of biscuits for those who think they are invisible.
It could be a prayer.
It could be a listening ear in this era of technology where nobody listens anymore.
It could be a regular time of encouragement for those who have lost someone a long time ago but are now forgotten.
It could be an afternoon spend with that shy girl who has no friends.
I don’t want to waste that precious time. Because if what my heart desires is not granted to me, it will be, one day, in an overflowing measure...
“Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure– pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.” (Luke 6:38)